innocent vigilant ordinary

August 01, 2003
8:47 am

my newest fridge poetry:

i smell blood
you produce a luscious death smear

so yeah, i'm feeling a little angry these days.

there's this movie, chuck & buck, and basically it's about this very strange man-child (buck) who is obsessed with his childhood best friend (chuck, who now goes by "charlie" and is engaged to be married). they've recently reconnected at buck's mother's funeral and now buck is stalking chuck. anyway, fairly late in the film there's this scene (and i'm not really giving anything away here, so you should really still see this) where buck finally internalizes that it isn't going to happen. he breaks down in the arms of a friend of his, sobbing, and cries "there's no love for me." it's heartbreaking and primal and awful and it's how i feel now.

but then i look over and see the card that says "i wish i could give you a hug that would last forever." or the kauai postcard, the glass dish, the hydrangea. all these little pieces of proof that there are other kinds of love, and though i can't seem to get the one kind straight, there are calmer and quieter, less fiery but more steady sources all around.

i still have trouble sleeping though.