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July 23, 2003
6:18 pm

i hate you! god i hate you and i hate that i fell so hard and that the fallout is still fucking up my life. i hate how much i love? loved? you and i hate that it maybe pulled me away from someone and or maybe pushed me back and i don't know maybe that was real and maybe not but i can't know because i can't separate it from you and from how much i hurt that you chose her because no matter what you said that's what it was. and now the option is gone before i could even decide whether i wanted it i thought i did but i wasn't sure so i didn't say anything and yes i can blame this on you and you know what? i can blame everything on you. and i fucking will because this entire year has been mostly shit and mostly because of you.

and i hate that i'm sitting here shaky and sick

oh my god i'm so angry i want to tear someone to pieces and then stomp on the pieces and smear them into the dirt into a muddy bloody mess and then spit on it.

and this rage is steaming out from my pores because i can't contain it all and i'm shaking and shaking and i want to kick and scream and really just fucking hurt someone. you. and everyone who ever leaves and gives up and fuck that includes me too and i hate being damaged and i hate that i've given up on love. because i'm not strong like other people, not strong enough to keep believing. i'm not.

and i'm not going to see you anymore. and i'm not going to see her anymore. and just fuck the whole fucking mess. it's just a big ugly painful soul-sucking ball in my stomach and i want to throw it up and never think about any of it ever again.