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"too far away from anything we could call loving"

July 06, 2003
10:17 pm

in my room with that one. she was here and i was here and on the bed laughing talking listening to music and pretending maybe, or remembering. she slipped, called me "honey" and it was like being in two places at once. the then when that made sense and felt right and the now when it feels sad and worrisome. then the backrub that i did and didn't want. but i was good, i was very good and said thank you safe drive goodnight and hugged and closed the door and clicked the lock into place and went to bed alone.

stayed mostly in my bed today and still tired but from the inside. too sad again and knowing i should be taking better care, knowing how. but of course when i most need it is when i don't want it. and i think he is back tonight. and i hate the part of my brain that keeps imagining where he is what he's doing right now, his first night back. a few miles and a bridge away. and with the wrong other.

needing to hide because this is all too much for me to hold, i am just one person. and not even a very wise or brave person at that.