June 24, 2003
going to a show with him tomorrow night and maybe i can do it, maybe friends is an achievable thing. "thanks for thinking of me, thanks for inviting me" he said, and how could he not know how rare are times i'm not thinking of him? each dayweekmonth i wake up and expect it to be going away, expect to feel closer to done. never really seems to happen. everyone's tired of hearing about it, nobody likes a song that never changes, i'm even tired of it. if anything will get me over this, ever, i think it will be that i'm just so damn sick of thinking about it all the time. at any rate, tomorrow will be at bottom of the hill so that will be happy and being with him i hope will be happy and betsy can see him and give him dirty looks for making me cry all the time, which of course i asked her not to but i think she might anyway. and then on monday she can tell me all about how he is not deserving of this and it won't really change anything because it didn't when other people told me that either, but it will feel nice and good to know that someone is looking out for me.
they say he's just a boy, but that isn't really true you know.
there are times when the thoughts are quieter. lately when i'm with her. spending a lot of time together, all saturday. i was good, tried to be honorable, all that. so beautiful, so compelling still. so easy to slip back into the comfort of knowing that someone wants me, wants to be with me completely. like heather wrote, to not have to tell my stories because she knows them all. she knows me more and deeper than anyone else does i think. how i think. she wants to spend more time this weekend, see a film, something. i just want to hide in my cozy room and have someone tell me what to do, please, what is the right thing because i don't know. i mean, it wasn't perfect yeah but there was good there, a lot of good things and her willingness to do better, keep trying. and i just left it. and then found him or found the best parts of him i guess, and then felt all the things i am supposed to feel, things i never thought i would or could, and then it was all for nothing, for worse than nothing, for this endless ache and dying inside. so i don't know, maybe the lesson here is not to reach that high, i don't know. to have lived this far, all those years without that kind of heartbreak, and now. i never expected to feel so damaged. to feel so tired.
and to think that she knows it all, all the dark and ugly parts and everything, so many of them, and still wants me...after this recent thing it is so beautiful to be wanted that i could just lie down and cry. i think i might do that now. then just read my poems and pretend for a little longer that none of this is real.