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June 11, 2003
11:31 pm

Right now, I mean tonight and right this minute, is peace that has been gone for so very long and long and long. And finally it had to come on its own, without all the substitutes and catalysts I clutched at.

Today was horrible betrayal and not knowing how to manage it. It was still feeling him like a physical blow, like searing me on the inside. It was the sound of things falling apart all around then looking and thinking "Well, time to straighten up in here." Then it was kind soft words from friends (too small and ordinary a word for people who better my soul). And knowing as I do what it is to be all alone, really and finally alone in a life I don't understand, I still wonder and delight in that. I wish I could know how to say it but maybe they know anyway, maybe they will read this and know how I love them. How I would do anything for them.

Then it was walking with chocolate dinosaurs and shared limonata and the first real conversation with him in too long. Shared acknowledgements of missing that and wanting that and feeling like this was maybe a first step on a new road, a better one maybe and certainly a different one and all the wonder of discovery spread out ahead. It was hard hard hard phone calls, terrible and frustrating, then called back and hesitating. hesitating. playing it calm. then furling out streams of truth and thank god finally just being real. Just saying yeah, we're not as okay as we want to be. We're not as over it as we want to be, not yet. We hope it is coming, we don't know how, but we're doing our best. And she was so sorry, she was. I can still feel what she feels and I am glad for that. Soulmates, just not quite the way that we tried to be, but that's okay. And everything is really, really okay.

Right now, I mean tonight and right this minute I can breathe without having to remind myself. I can smile without resistance. And none of us is exactly where we want to be, not just yet, but today I moved perceptibly closer. Wondrous!