I don't think I belong in my life today.

May 06, 2003
2:28 pm

The window by my desk is open a little bit and I'm getting cold and I should close it. I don't understand what I see today. Things that should be normal and familiar just...aren't. Not sure what this is all about. I don't have to go to court tomorrow, and that is good.

Hearing him today was beautiful and a little achey. I wonder if he still thinks about me and about us and about the boat that the two of us are sailing away on in some alternate existence, or if he ever thought so hard about kissing me that he could feel the ghost of it on his mouth, or if he ever wants to just sit down on the floor and fall apart.

Probably not. And that's fine.

I used to be so sure that this was worth it. Losing that certainty was...well, there aren't really words to say how sad that was.

"What a beautiful dream that could flash on the screen
in a blink of an eye and be gone from me, soft and sweet,
let me hold it close and keep it here with me."